Family of One Deals with Mother and the Kidnappers

I'm not sure if you know that Mother has always been obsessed about kidnappers.

It started when I was four or five, living on the lovely tree-lined Westwood Avenue, and Mother told me not to leave the yard with strangers who would come by in a large, black car because they would take me out way out into the woods and cut off my arms and legs. I am sure that she told me this not only as a deterrent to my talking with strangers, but because she was convinced that this strategy would insure that I would stay in High Point, if not her front yard, forever. Instead, the reverse happened and I determined that I would need to leave a place where strangers roamed around, creating torsos with heads, and that it might be best if I headed for a big city where I could be anonymous.

Fast forward 40+ years--I have lived in a variety of big cities including Boston, New York, and Miami. Mother is still convinced that I could be kidnapped at any time. She is a special devotee of the kidnapping ring of which she points out the vagaries on a bi-weekly basis. There is no situation where I find myself that Mother cannot think of a way that I will be kidnapped either by a ring that has just formed, a long-standing ring, a man or woman working alone, or someone employed by the hotel or restaurant where I am currently ensconced.

A couple of years ago, I was on my way to a Miami Heat game at the American Airlines arena. I told Mother this fact knowing that there could not be kidnappers at an NBA game where I would be surrounded by a multitude of husky, strong men. Mother was adamant--"you are going to be kidnapped tonight because they have a kidnapping ring organized at the basketball games"--I replied, "I don't really think we need to worry because I will be surrounded by friends". "They are looking for people like you" was her confident reply. "It is going to happen tonight".

My dear friend P came to stay last month. Mother was convinced that he was part of a kidnapping ring that was using the guise of his friendship to enter my home and confiscate me. I took P to the hotel where he was staying for a conference and called Mother knowing that she would be delighted that he was no longer staying in my home. But, no. Her response--"You are an easy target for the kidnappers because as long as saw P in your car as you were driving around Miami, they would leave you alone. Now, they see you by yourself. Why couldn't P have stayed longer?"

I must tell you that, through the years, this kidnapping theme has gotten very old. I can be in Paris or Santa Monica or Chicago, having the time of my life, and I have to listen to how to watch out for people walking by me carrying Kleenexes because they are doused with chloroform. I was almost to the point of asking her to please, please stop talking about this absurdity when I had an insight. Mother is not known for being particularly affectionate or sentimental. She is not going to wrap up a gift card to Williams Sonoma for me or give me a big hug when she sees me. She is not going to say please tell me what is troubling you and let's talk it through. Warning me of kidnappers is the closest she can come to telling me how important I am to her and how much she treasures me.

Once I realized this, it has given me much more patience with dealing with her. Last week, I went to book club and parking in a parking garage across from the bookstore where we meet. I was chatting with Mother as I navigated my way through the garage. Without thinking, I said, "ok, I need to hang up now because I need to focus on parking". When she found out that I was in a parking garage and would be taking an elevator to the ground floor, she said, "this has got murder written all over it". I replied by telling her that there had not been a robbery at this particular garage for over two weeks. She said, "you call me before you leave that garage so that I know you are all right and that I do not need to contact the Miami police department to report a kidnapping".

This brings me to a new tradition that we have begun--when she "rides home" with me. When she knows that I am going out at night, she will say, "do you want me to ride home with you?". Huge sigh. I was going to politely decline when I realized that this is Mother's way of keeping her child safe and of staying connected to me. We have had some of our best conversations as she rides home with me.

Mother swears that she would not pay the ransom if anything befell me, but I think it safe to say that I have kidnapped Mother's heart.